Friday, April 19, 2013

A new direction

Um hi!

I blush...hard to believe it's been 8 months since I last posted. :( I honestly thought I was done blogging. I just felt I didn't have much to say. Well, I want to correct that...I have TONS to say...ALWAYS..but for a long time I felt I didn't have anything I wanted to share...Ya know? Life can be tough...And I don't want to be negative so...I quit blogging.

(A little background in case you have forgotten or didn't know) I had baby number four, Macy in Sept of was an emergency c-section cuz i had a placental abruption, it was pretty traumatic to say the least...they didn't think baby macy would survive originally..3 weeks after Macy was born, I got a call that my mom(who lives five minutes away and was constantly available to help out) has a brain tumor and if she survived the surgery to remove what they could, has only a few years to live...5 weeks after Macy was born my hubby who was unemployed at the time(so constantly available to help)got a new job that required him to be gone in portland from 6-10pm most days. So I settled in and did my best to be a quality "single" mother but honestly....I felt like I was barely surviving. I didn't admit how I felt right away..No..I waited a good almost 2 years :(til i started having panic attacks to finally admit how I felt...Life sucked! It was the day I rolled over and looked at dh and told him....nothing seems worth the amount of work it requires anymore. Like, I'd rather just stay in bed indefinitely :0
So, I called my dr. And she put me on meds for the anxiety and checked my thyroid and come to find out..I have a thyroid disease called hashimotos can cause anxiety, depression, exhaustion etc.
So, once the meds kicked in...I started feeling better and enjoying life more and not feeling so stressed about everything all the time. (I think I forgot to mention...all my kids and hubby have been diagnosed with adhd..they have meds now...but things can get a tad stressful! :)
But after a few months..I started to pack on pounds, so they switched my meds and then switched them again and now again, but I finally think I have found the answer..recently....and anyhow...Recently this is what is new with me...
My youngest Macy has been having a hard a really hard time as in....she throws herself on the floor at any given moment if she gets stressed about anything, so I am learning how to better care for her..
We've been to the pediatrician and been to a psychologist and basically here's the deal. They said that the oxygen deprivation at birth...she wasn't even breathing when born...although it didn't cause major brain definitely damaged the case she probably would have had of adhd is much worse than it would have what that means for needs a lot more attention, direction and prep work for everything we do every day... than most instead of just doing whatever I thought is most important or what I want to do each day...I am working on conciously putting her first and making sure I do what it takes to keep her happy cuz that is the only way the whole family is happy which honestly...think about it ;) Makes mama happy :)
And honestly I feel like i've had a breakthrough recently myself...on why life has seemed so hard for so long. I guess I realized I didn't have any clue how hard parenting was or how much sacrifice it takes, parenting alone is hard enough and guess what? It's even more complicated with kids with adhd...but am I just gonna settle at that? Be depressed and be grudging that it is breathtakingly almost impossible at times to juggle everyones seriously who can process what four people are saying when they are all talking at once!? :)
So, recently I got this idea about my blog (my dr. told me to go to talk therapy...I figure this could be just as good :)...I can use it to share a little about each kid each day...Like what they acccomplished or said that was so cute or a good idea I had to keep them happy. Like how I am working with their individual case of adhd each day....cuz honestly it does intrigue me. The field of psychology and why people are the way they instead of seeing each of them as a burden...See them as a case I can try to solve, a little PERSON who's world I can improve. :) (It is my job after dh goes to work, my job is to teach my kiddos. Sometimes it's just all a bit much for me to process.)
(But here is a good place for me to ramble about why it is stressful for me, in an effort to sort it all out. I am hoping this will help me :)

So...Here goes~
I'm going to start at the top!
And I'm going to include me and dh too :)

Today Martin is pretty preoccupied with the macleay kitchen inventory. He is the coordinator for the food services at the spring conference next weekend. He was home from 5-6ish and has been gone since...but that's ok with me...cuz I know he is trying to get it all done so he can turn in all orders and then he will be around for the rest of the weekend! I think :)Plus he had been home sunday and monday all day..sick..but he still helped out and it was nice to see him

Today I am pretty good. I started back on zoloft...but on a lower dose cuz my doctor thinks (and I agree) that i only started gaining when I was at a higher dose. I had a pretty good day with the kids...kind of did too much with them...being gone grocery shopping all morning and then visiting at Maryannes and then having Kristi here was kind of more than my poor ole brain does good with, but I can also work on just focusing on today...tomorrow I don't have any social plans so I can catch up on housework etc then. I'm still sorely tempted to stress about my weight, but I am really hoping I won't keep gaining on zoloft and that I will start to lose when I make healthy choices overall(I have 15 lbs to lose since last summer..i'd love to lose 25ish but it ain't realistic)..Note..try to get to the gym tomorrow.

Brooklyn~She had a star party at her school tonight and since I had to get the other kids to bed before it started at 8:30, my mom and karl and tracey took her.. so sweet to see how much it meant to her...My gosh...she was so hyper when she got home...shows she had a GREAT time..Note to self...Work to never damper this side of her...:)

Ky~my goodness...grumpypants...he was grumpy today from the second he got in the van after school til his head hit the hay. Nothing i or anyone said or did was right! I wonder if something happened at school that bothered him today..BUT we did stay up way too late last night and it has been really stressful for him since he was working on his school program..that is out of the normal for him and therefore stressful!
Note to self, ask him tomorrow :)

Mia~She was fine today til after Kristi left.. This is when I realized again!I can't do 2 playdates in one day especially after school,for is just too much. (going to lexi's after school and her playing with paige here after)

Macy~O she is just a good ole crackup if you let it crack you up! :) she did pretty good today considering she never fell asleep at her naptime. She was so excited to grocery shop with me. It was good for me to realize that when I just plop her in the van and announce we are going to the store it doesn't go as well as when like today i told her when she woke up..when we are done eating then we are going to get dressed and then can you help me grocery shop? :) She needs to understand what the plan is, always :)


  1. phew jen!!!! I think this will be very therapeutic for you...I find blogging the same for helps me focus on the good. And if its any comfort....I was 10 pounds lighter last summer too:):) I think winter has something to do with a little extra insulation and will prob come off as the weather warms up and we all crave watermelon!
    Quit lot has happened in your life!! Thanks for sharing!

  2. Ah I think this is such a GREAT idea!!! And not only that, but later you'll be able to look back and read...I love doing that, I've been blogging for 5 years! Very cool to see how life changes.

    Really excited for you with weight loss and for your new hope and determination in life!